My cuddle kit

I'm not sure if A believes me, but I swear that the only reason Mia snuggles on me as much as she does is because she's a boob kind of girl. A doesn't have mountains for her to rest on!

I am seriously no good in the kitchen

Since I had the day off today and we are currently low on funds, I decided to make lunch today. I mean, how hard can a cheese quesadilla be? I'm sure I've made them before. Well, today was not my day.
Yeah, it was still edible and all, but come on! You'd think I could do better than that! The damn tortillas were too big to fit in the pan and then they stuck to the bottom when I tried to flip it over. Urgh. I need a full-time cook in this house.

Bohemian Rhapsody by the Muppets!

I have always been a Muppets fan. I watched Muppet Babies when I was little, and the Muppet Show when it was on. I've seen the 3D Muppets in MGM Studios. They make me smile. And this video is pure awesome.

So everyone has pet peeves

But what if you have a student that is a total pet peeve of yours?

Yes, I realize that this makes me sound like a bitch. I am a teacher and I am supposed to love and adore every single one of my students. Well let me just tell you that this is bullshit and whoever said that was on fucking drugs.

Anyway.

There's this kid. He has OCD - BAD. Literally everything he does drives me nuts. He walks in late. He spaces out. He mats his bangs down on his face constantly. He asks the strangest questions at the most inappropriate times. He never finishes his art projects because he is either organizing his colored pencils or he is too worried about making it perfect.

But music class is so much worse. We're doing recorder and while he can recognize the notes on the page and show you how it's fingered on the recorder, that's basically the extent. Normally, he just doesn't play with the rest of the class. And I keep having to get him back on task.

Today he developed a new tick.

Now he can't have any spit in his recorder.

Which means that after every single note that he plays, he immediatel has to take this big, huge, loud suck through the recorder to get the spit back that just might have gone into the instrument. Every. Damn. Time.

The sound can be heard even when everyone else in the class is playing at the same time. It makes other kids stop and turn around. It makes me want to lose my lunch.

So I talked to the class about how they should breath when they are playing their instrument. And even what they should do if their nose is stopped up. But does that help the situation?

NO.

I asked him to please stop making that noise and he argued that his recorder won't play when there is spit inside.

Then he took the whole damn thing apart.

Then he put it back together again and starting sucking through it again.

I wanted to punch him.

He is my pet peeve.

Oh, and he's also the kid that is afraid of cameras and refuses to stand in the front row at the Christmas program. So even if he does manage to learn the damn music, he's going to spend the whole time up there on the risers ducking behind other students to get away from the camera flash.

This kid needs help. Because I can't give it to him!

New Moon review

I really bet that A wished he hadn't owed me a chic flick. Because I finally cashed in. We saw New Moon on Saturday.

First, let me start off by saying that I am not Twilight crazed. I read the series a year ago and enjoyed them. That's it.

I was curious to see if this movie was going to be any better than the first one. Because let's be honest - Twilight could have been done a lot better.













This movie was done better. The acting was better, and it definitely looked like they had more of a budget this time around.

Here were my issues though:

It was too long.

Parts were incredibly too slow.

They had a hard task, because this was a depressing book. And had they left all of the suicidal banter from the book in the movie, I would still probably be sitting there. So yes, I can tell that they tried.

A was bored out of his mind. I don't really blame him. The only reason I wasn't completely was because I knew the story. I already had a connection with the characters. But I was uncomfortable sitting there for 2 and a half hours.

I had forgotten, since it has been a while since I read through the books, how much of a Jacob fan I am. I don't care what all those Team Edward people say. Jacob is so much better for Bella. Plus, he's a big puppy dog! I found myself getting pissed at the end when she leaves Jacob, after all those near make-out sessions for Edward, without even really an explanation.

Edward, you are an idiot. You don't deserve her.

"But I did it because I love her. I was trying to protect her."

Can it, buster. She should be with Jacob.

"Edward, I want you to change me NOW!"

Shut the fuck up, Bella. You're dumb.

Yes, I will be seeing the other two movies when they come out. They've got me. I'm just curious enough to hand over my money.

I give this film 3 imaginary stars.

Nothin' says "ho, ho, ho" like this sweater

Hells-to-the-no. I don't think you could pay me money to wear this sweater.

Now, I will admit that I have a few articles of holiday clothing, mostly because I work at a school with lots of little kids. And I have to look festive when I do my Christmas programs. But let's store this one in the never category.

Not that it would really be appropriate for me to wear to work anyway!

How do they know it started with a kiss, anyway? It could have started with a hug, or you could have skipped the foreplay and just rammed it right in.

If I see any pregnant woman out there sporting this sweater, I'm going to have a hard time not saying anything to her. Loudly. With my fist.

I am hateful

I want to just quit. Give up. Flip my boss the bird on both hands and never look back. But I can't. Because we couldn't afford it. (And it wouldn't look so great when I decided I wanted to try to get a job again...)

There is no way that I could possibly go into all the details, but my boss had an hour-long talk with me on Monday and what all boiled down to I either try to be more like him or I'm out of a job at the end of the school year.

Some things I can change. I can sit at my desk less. I would argue that I wasn't at my desk all that much, and when I was, it was at the very end of classes. But since you can't argue with my boss, this means that unless I am on my plan, I am not allowed to sit at my desk.

And yet, he still sends out emails in the middle of the freaking day that he wants us to respond immediately to. ::shakes fist::

Yes, my classroom is dusty. And some things could be thrown away or organized better. Ok ok, I'll work on that.

But my classroom management? Are you freaking kidding me? And no one else has trouble with the 8th grade?

I CALL BULLSHIT.

My principal thinks that I should spend all of my time with the middle school students playing our percussion instruments. So I should reward their bad behavior by letting them handle very expensive school equipment. Sounds like a grand fucking plan to me.

And they should perform once a month. No.

Ok, so I can definitely do the drums with my 7th graders - most of them are good kids. Only a few difficult ones. And I have the instruments - enough to go around. But I do not have the curriculum materials to teach them. Drum circles just don't fucking develop out of no where. But does my boss offer to send me to any professional development? No. I'm supposed to fucking pull it out my ass.

This is all because he went to a conference in Indy a few weeks ago where he saw a middle school group perform a half-hour's worth of drum circle shit. And now he has to have that here.

Did I mention that he fucking went through my desk when I wasn't at school Thursday morning and berated me about my food stash? Invasion of privacy, anyone? I'm not the one hiding a mini fridge in my classroom like the primary teachers. But I get my ass reamed for a pop tart and some peanuts in a jar?

There were many other things that were thrown out at me. I'll spare you.

So I'm stuck. I know that I have to become an assertive kiss-ass if I want to save my own job.

This makes me irritable, depressed-like, upset - I can't sleep at night. I think of scenarios where harm is caused to my boss (not by me, of course!)

Baby Daven is going to grow up to be big and strong, and then he's going to come back and kick this guy's ass.

Jew repellent!

Bacon soap!

Never have time on the week days to fry up your favorite bacon? Now you can have it in the shower!

Have an orthodox frenemy that just won't get out of your grill? Bathe with bacon!

The makers of this pretty little product "captured the enticing aroma of frying bacon in a bar of soap"

For just $5.95 (+shipping) this glorious bar of soap can be yours!

Wait, what? That's not enough, you say? Well then you'll be delighted to add this to your own stocking this holiday:

Here's the smell of bacon that you can continue to reapply as many times a day as you like. It'll make everyone in the office want to have breakfast for dinner.

Or maybe they'll just want to eat you...

For only $2.95, who wouldn't want to give it a try (and a taste!)

For these and other bacon things, you can visit here.

Farking fark

Fark #1
So the Veteran's Day program is this Friday. I've got a ton of groups performing. One of them is my 6th grade orchestra. Yes, the word orchestra sounds like a big group, but at my little school, I only have 2 students.

They are nice kids and work well together, and we generally get a lot done in class. I enjoy them.

One of my two kids just went home earlier with the stomach bug and a temp. This means best case, he will still be out tomorrow for the dress rehearsal. What will we do if he's not here Friday? I don't want to make my one student play it by herself. But I don't have a violin to play along with her.

Fark.

Fark #2
This has to do with the same stinking program. For whatever reason, the deanery science fair is the same day as the program. I worked it out with the principal so that my band students involved in both could still do both. But today in my sign language electives, I was informed that two of my 6 kids in there are going to the science fair and won't be there to sign the Pledge of Allegiance with us. Another is a part of the church choir and might not be able to sign with the group. So that leaves 3 of them, 2 of which aren't the shiniest gold in the treasure chest.

Fark.

Yeah, I'm that lame

I was sitting in my classroom with my 6th grade band today before lunch and I was playing clarinet along with them. We were practicing for the song they are playing for the Veteran's Day program last week. I started them out and played along, but quickly had to stop because they were playing way too fast - even too fast for them!

And this is what I said:

"Woah, woah! Slow down! If I were the tempo police, you'd all get a ticket!"

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all year.

A short conversation with a 2nd grader

There are these two girls in one of my classes that, my alphabetical order, sit together. As they were walking in to my class today, I called their names and asked one of the girls to sit in the next row back for today. They both ignored me and walked away.

"______, come here please"

She slowly walks back up to me.

"I was talking to you when you came in the door."

Blank stare

"Would you like it if I walked away from you while you were talking to me?"

"Yes."

Not the response I was going for! I guess I need to learn to stop asking questions to which I am expecting a certain answer. Well played, 2nd grader. Well played.

For fuck's sake!

My 6th and 7th/8th band classes have been preparing for the Veteran's Day program (next Friday) since pretty much the beginning of the school year. We're finally so close to being performance ready! And then they dropped a bomb.

"Mrs. R, did you know that the deanery science fair is next Friday?"

"No, I was not aware of this. How does that affect us?"

"Well, there are going to be 5 people chosen to go to the science fair, and if we are chosen, we won't be there for the program."

"How many of you are entered?"

6 of them.

How many students in total do I have, you ask?

11

Fuck.

So I could possibly be missing half of my band for our first performance of the year. And you can guess who that will look bad on.

On another note, I'm trying to find a sub for next Thursday, when I have my morning appointment at the doctors for the 1 hour GD test. But can I find a sub? Keep in mind that this is over a week away...NO! Apparently they are having a teacher inservice that day and already have 7 subs lined up. So guess who's fucked? You've got it. But if I had tried to line up a sub a month ago when I got the appointment, I wouldn't have gotten an answer from anyone because that would have been too far in advance.

God, I love this place.

And I fail

So I was giving this private lesson to a violin student who because of his schedule, cannot join our orchestra class. He promises me that he still wants to play and that he will promise to practice. This is his third year playing.

I'm sitting there listening to him, and he clearly wasn't playing the excerpt right.

"What kind of notes are those in the second measure?"

"Quarter note?"

"No, those are not quarter notes"

"Uhh..."

"They're half notes, ____"

"So now that I've told you that they are half notes, how many beats does a half note get?"

"Uh, a half a beat?"

::headdeskrepeat::

Seriously? I fail as a teacher.

I could say in my defense that he's border line special needs, but really, I fail.